If There is One Secret to Having a Happier Life, It's Probably This

The Life-Changing Power of Radical Acceptance

Photo by Martino Pietropoli on Unsplash

‘What stands in the way becomes the way’-Marcus Aurelius

Can we actually make our lives happier?

The pursuit of happiness didn’t just begin recently. It’s been part of being human probably since the earliest days.

I’ve often thought about a workshop I attended long ago titled ‘How to Be Happy All of The Time.’ Hundreds of other people were also there, filling the room. I knew many of them to be smart and accomplished. They were eagerly taking notes as they hung on to every word the speaker offered.

Finally I asked my question. “How would you know you are actually happy if you are constantly in the same state of mind?”

I don’t recall specifically what the answer was other than it wasn’t particularly satisfying. I left when we took a break. But I was the only person to leave as the others stayed, still hoping to find the answer.

I believe that happiness is our basic nature. But as we go through life, stuff happens and for many of us it begins to seem increasingly elusive.

Being happy is, of course, relative. It comes from the inside out.

One thing we all have in common is that life inevitably has plenty of ups and downs, twists and turns. It’s a bumpy and bouncy ride through pathways strewn with obstacles that can either decrease the level of happiness we experience or magnify it.

Many folks get knocked down by those problems and eventually stay down.

Others bounce back better than ever.

The difference is in how they respond to whatever happens. Those who bounced back more often are those of us who’s basic approach to life enables them to resiliently use adversity to their advantage.

It just could be that they are Fully Engaged in enhancing a resilient and empowering mindset of Radical Acceptance.

Radical Acceptance is a mindset and habitual belief that life always works in your favor. That no matter what happens, it leaves seeds that will enable you to grow in ways you otherwise wouldn’t have been able to. You can grow as a person by embracing problems as an opportunity to learn and grow from.

It is a practice in keeping your head on straight and finding the opportunity that is there if you look hard enough.

You know this must be so because life is always giving you problems to solve.

It’s empowering because you are only responsible for controlling what is controllable: doing the best you possibly can, while not being responsible for the outcome.

It’s radical because it is not only a sharp departure from the way you normally react to adversity, it’s also a deeply committed, fully engaged dive into doing what you need to do to change the way you habitually react to life’s challenges.

It’s not, for example, simply reading a few pages in an article or book, figuring you’ve got it and moving on. It is doing the hard work of transforming a lifetime of habitual beliefs and reactions. The result is finding the opportunities and joy in what you already have and do.

It's acceptance because whatever has happened has already happened. You choose how you react to it.

What matters is what happens next. Obsessing over it, wishing it hadn’t happened or had a different result won’t change things. That habitual response will only take you further away from finding meaningful next steps. You can only change how you respond to it. You can choose to see yourself as either a victim or as a victor.

The real question is- what will you do about it?

Would having the habit of radical acceptance make a big difference in how happily you experience life?

No matter who you are and whatever is happening in your life, either adopting or enhancing your already radically accepting mindset can have a powerful influence on your outcomes in the years ahead.

The basic steps of Radical Acceptance mindset are:

Awareness

Acceptance

Appreciation

Re-Framing -Use Your Tools

Taking Action

Here’s an example of how to use these steps:

One of the most common obstacles in life is self-doubt.

-Awareness

You may notice one day that the way you are talking to yourself is extremely negative. As you think about this, you realize that not only have you been doing this frequently but you have also been unfairly comparing yourself to other, apparently successful people.

The habitual negative self-talk and comparisons have led to you doubting yourself, your capabilities and your value. It is bumming you out and your feelings of happiness are fewer and further between.

That might be the day you decide to do something about it.

-Acceptance

Accept the fact that this is has become a habit of yours. You fully own it.

How can you make your self-doubt work for you?

-Appreciation

The way we do one thing in life is the way we do everything. Fully appreciating what you currently have in life is key. If you can’t appreciate that, how would adding more make you happier?

Self-appreciation is at the top of the list.

Being grateful for challenges to solve is how we grow as a person.

-Re-Framing by Using your Tools.

What is another way to look at this?

Get your ego out of the way. Remind yourself that this only an opinion, even if it’s your own, and not a fact.

Whatever has caused you to doubt yourself, write it down. Then make a corresponding list of what you have actually done, the difficulties in doing so and the outcomes. Compare the lists.

What is actually true about who you are, what you have accomplished and what you have demonstrated that you are capable of?

-Change the language. The words and tone we use have a big impact on how we feel, especially when we are talking with ourselves with our self-talk..

Rather than referring to whatever it is as a big problem, what if you instead referred repeatedly to it as a challenge. That simple step changes the way you feel about your situation. Challenges are manageable.

When you catch yourself giving yourself a hard time, stop and re-phrase your word choices and then congratulate yourself on making a big step towards a better future.

For example, if I’m playing golf and happen to hit a bad shot, I can react to it in one of two ways. I can scream and holler at myself, reminding myself of every bad shot I have ever hit and concluding with what a lousy golfer I am.

Or-I can simply see where my ball ended up and remind myself of all the great recovery shots I’ve made.

As I get ready to hit my next shot, which mindset is likely to produce the result I am hoping for-a confident stance, grip and swing?

Your self-talk is one of your most powerful tools in creating a higher level of happiness in life.

-Use your journal. Using a daily journal is a powerful tool that can bring about significant results. Use yours to begin or continue a private dialogue with yourself.

-Questions may be one of the most important tools ever created. Every significant development in human history is the result of a question. Use them to your advantage in combination with your journal.

Regularly ask yourself certain questions such as these and write extensively in your journal about your answers. In my experience, there is something about the flow of questions through my body and on to paper that makes a big connection with the writing.

Following up your answers asking ‘why is this’ will be energizing and a self-learning opportunity.

In the morning, use your journal to remind yourself of your intention to boost your opinion of yourself.

-‘Why are you proud of yourself?’ Why?

-‘What are you grateful for?’ Why?

-‘In which ways can you boost your self-esteem today?’

-‘In what way is your spirit trying to get your attention right now ?’

At night, use questions as you write in your journal.

-“How often was your self-talk positive?

-‘How often did you catch yourself in negative self-talk and re-phrase?

-‘How often did you congratulate yourself for doing the hard work self-development is?’

-‘What was the most important thing you accomplished?’

-‘What was your biggest challenge?’

-‘How did you handle that challenge?’

-‘What else might you have done about that challenge?’

-‘What are the most important things that need to get done tomorrow?’

- Close by reminding yourself how proud you are of yourself.

-Taking Action

-Use your daily to-do list to schedule reminders to check in with yourself throughout the day and see how you are doing.

-Lower your short-term expectations by planning a series of regular small steps leading to your intended results.

- What is one thing that may have caused you to doubt yourself?

-Create a plan to turn that into a strength.

For example:

For many years I had a driving phobia which made it impossible for me to drive on a highway. There finally came a day when I was no longer going to define myself as someone who couldn’t drive on a highway.

I began doing short drives on a nearby highway.-the first was just a mile to the first exit. I used my self-talk to stay as calm as possible.

Before long I was able to drive wherever and whenever I wanted. My happiness level was sky high as my self-doubt turned into enhanced self-esteem.

Creating action steps and fully engaging in a commitment to do what you need to do begins with the Radical Acceptance of whatever is limiting you and distracting you from your experience of living the happiest possible life. You will notice immediately the rush of happiness that comes from taking action.

It begins with Awareness.

When is the last time you began paying closer attention to your own self-talk and whatever distracts you from being fully engaged in your life?

Start right now by making a new commitment to doing the hard work now that will make your future some of the happiest and most meaningful years of your life.

Accept the responsibility of choosing how to react to whatever life throws at you by focusing only on what you can control.

Appreciate every aspect of your current life so that there is room for more that brings your joy.

Re-frame your thoughts and your language choices on any distractions from your priorities in life.

Plan your actions to instill new habits of thinking and self-confidence.

Life is too short to not be happy. It won’t be all the time but by fully engaging in Radical Acceptance the way you experience your life will much happier.

What will you choose to do with this information?

Can the mindset of Radical Acceptance make a big difference in your future happiness, no matter what happens?

What will be your first step?